Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
