theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
