She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
