i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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