Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize