just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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