she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Randomize
