My room smells like vodka and shame
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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