I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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