K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
