i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
