I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
