Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
