so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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