sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Randomize
