She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
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