She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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