dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
