Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
