im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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