Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
