if you like me you must not know who I am
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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