i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
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