Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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