We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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