not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
