Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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