It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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