I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Randomize
