can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
