best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
