i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
