Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
