i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
