Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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