So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
