so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
