the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
