Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
