lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
