walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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