He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
