I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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