Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
