Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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