i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
It was like getting head from an anaconda
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
