Your mouth is God's brothel.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize