hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
