I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
