He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
