Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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