It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
what is it with giant penises always finding me
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize