I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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