Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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