well he's currently spooning the coffee table
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
