I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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